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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Cops
Cop
Traffic
Red
Police
Except
Way

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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
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I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
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I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
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I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
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Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
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Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
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When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
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I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
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The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
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I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
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I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
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We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
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Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
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