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I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Simple
Industries
Problem
Incentives
Umbrellas
Love
Medicine
Condoms
Solutions
Attracting
Taxes
Favored
Cold
Condom
Problems
Subsidies
Industry
Umbrella

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When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
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I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
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I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
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They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
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We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
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There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
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The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
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When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
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I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
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I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
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Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
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I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
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Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
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