Quote

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Problems
Subsidies
Industry
Umbrella
Industries
Simple
Incentives
Umbrellas
Problem
Medicine
Condoms
Love
Solutions
Attracting
Taxes
Favored
Cold
Condom

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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
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There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
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I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
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When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
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We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
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I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
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Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
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The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
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When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
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I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
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Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
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Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
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They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
Greg Fitzsimmons