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I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
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Like
Prunes
Jelly
Grapes
Young
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More quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
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We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
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The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
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I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
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They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
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When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
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I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
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There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Greg Fitzsimmons