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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Dead
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Looks
Monogamous
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Sober
Shape
Debt
Shapes
Inside
More quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
Greg Fitzsimmons
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
Greg Fitzsimmons
I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Greg Fitzsimmons
They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
Greg Fitzsimmons
There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
Greg Fitzsimmons
When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
Greg Fitzsimmons
