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I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.

Greg Fitzsimmons

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Greg Fitzsimmons
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: April 5
Comedian
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Producer
New York City
New York
Gregory Sebastian Fitzsimmons
Mandatory
Prostitution
Vegas
Angeles
Legal
Relief
Live

More quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

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Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Greg Fitzsimmons
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I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Greg Fitzsimmons