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Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

Greg Behrendt

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Greg Behrendt
Age: 61
Born: 1963
Born: July 21
Actor
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
San Francisco County
California
Gregory Behrendt
Suck
Prosper
Never
Cheaters
Cheater

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Don't waste the pretty
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You already have one asshole, you don't need another one
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When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.
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Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.
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The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.
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Well, I knew instantly when I met my wife what a good relationship it was, compared with what I had been doing for the previous 20-odd years. She is my buddy, my partner, my friend. And part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
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Alone also means available for someone outstanding.
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Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.
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First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend
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Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
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The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
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It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.
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Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.
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I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
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My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.
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Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
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An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.
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Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?
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If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.
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Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.
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