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Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.
Gilbert Gottfried
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Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
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More quotes by Gilbert Gottfried
I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.
Gilbert Gottfried
I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
Gilbert Gottfried
I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.
Gilbert Gottfried
One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.
Gilbert Gottfried
If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
Gilbert Gottfried
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
Gilbert Gottfried
I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.
Gilbert Gottfried
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
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I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
Gilbert Gottfried
I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
Gilbert Gottfried
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
Gilbert Gottfried
I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
Gilbert Gottfried
I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'
Gilbert Gottfried
R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher
Gilbert Gottfried
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
Gilbert Gottfried
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
Gilbert Gottfried
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Gilbert Gottfried
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
Gilbert Gottfried
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
Gilbert Gottfried
A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'
Gilbert Gottfried