Quote

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

Gilbert Gottfried

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
First
Paper
Every
Crime
Time
Open
Herman
Getting
Arrest
Death
Masturbation
Another
Celebrity
Seems
Michael
Firsts
George

More quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

Image
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
You never know what people will choose to be offended by.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
You can say ass, but you can't say asshole. That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an ass. Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.
Gilbert Gottfried
Image
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
Gilbert Gottfried