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I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Gilbert Gottfried

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Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
Hell
Talking
Jesus
Ever
Feel
Looked
Feels
Accept
Like
Accepting
Theory

More quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

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I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
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You can say ass, but you can't say asshole. That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an ass. Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.
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I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
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I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.
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I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
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You never know what people will choose to be offended by.
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There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
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I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
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The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
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There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
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Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
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Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.
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Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
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If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
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If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
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I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?
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A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'
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There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.
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Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
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I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.
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