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You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Gilbert Gottfried

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Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
Accept
Accepting
Theory
Hell

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Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.
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Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.
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The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
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Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
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I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
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I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
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People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
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No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
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I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
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In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.
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I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.
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I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
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I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
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Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
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I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.
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I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.
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I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
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If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
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I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.
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I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
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