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You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Gilbert Gottfried

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Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
Accept
Accepting
Theory
Hell

More quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

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I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.
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If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
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I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
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Nothing can help my comedy.
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The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
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I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'
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One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.
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I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
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I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.
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Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.'
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The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
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You never know what people will choose to be offended by.
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I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.
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I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
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Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
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Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
Gilbert Gottfried
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I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.
Gilbert Gottfried
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People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
Gilbert Gottfried
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No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Gilbert Gottfried
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If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
Gilbert Gottfried