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I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Gilbert Gottfried

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Gilbert Gottfried
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: February 28
Actor
Comedian
Podcaster
Television Actor
Brooklyn
New York
Gilbert Jeremy Gottfried
Relationship
Wants
Less
Someone
Find
Even
Platonic
Much
Dating
Kind
Naked

More quotes by Gilbert Gottfried

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I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'
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I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.
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There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
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I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.
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The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
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I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.
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The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
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I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?
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I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
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Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.
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I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.
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Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
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Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
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If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
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Nothing can help my comedy.
Gilbert Gottfried
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I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.
Gilbert Gottfried
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Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.
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I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.
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In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.
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If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.
Gilbert Gottfried