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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Disorderly
Dividend
Dividends
Compulsion
Totally
Freedom

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It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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Dogs and cats get put to sleep hogs and cows get slaughtered.
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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