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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
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What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
George Carlin
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
George Carlin
