Quote

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Clap
Crabs
Sex
Instead
Always
Think
Thinking
People

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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere
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If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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