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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Instead
Always
Think
Thinking
People
Clap
Crabs
Sex

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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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