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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Think
Thinking
People
Clap
Crabs
Sex
Instead
Always

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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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I do something about the weather. I stay home.
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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
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I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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