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Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
People
Clap
Crabs
Sex
Instead
Always
Think
More quotes by George Carlin
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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Does killing time damage eternity?
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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