Quote

I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Years
Figure
Figures
Couldn
Joint
Morning
Joints
High
Stayed
Whether
Smoke
Wanted
Wake
Long
Decide

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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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