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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Someone
Littles
Back
Little
Love
Commotion
Leaving
Doors
Hear

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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
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