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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
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Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
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George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin

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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
George Carlin
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I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
George Carlin
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
George Carlin
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I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
George Carlin
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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
George Carlin
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
George Carlin
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
George Carlin
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
George Carlin
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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
George Carlin
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
George Carlin
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George Carlin
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
George Carlin
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
George Carlin
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
George Carlin