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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Somewhere
Worse
Morning
Someone
Appointment
World
Appointments
Doctor
Doctors

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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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Life is a zero sum game.
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Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
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We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
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No one who has had Taps played for them has ever been able to hear it.
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How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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