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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
World
Appointment
Appointments
Doctor
Doctors
Somewhere
Worse
Morning
Someone

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Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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Life is a series of dogs.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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