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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Asshole
Cat
Thinks
Dog

More quotes by George Carlin

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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
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The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.
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