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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Asshole
Cat
Thinks
Dog

More quotes by George Carlin

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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.
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Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'
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One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
George Carlin
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
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If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
George Carlin
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] Look, they nearly missed! Yes, but not quite.
George Carlin
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
George Carlin
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
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Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
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