Quote

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Cat
Thinks
Dog
Thinking
Asshole

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You never see a smiling runner.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?
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Cancer research is a growth industry.
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
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