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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Asshole
Cat
Thinks
Dog
Thinking

More quotes by George Carlin

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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
George Carlin
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The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
George Carlin