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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Hand
Wonder
Dies
Hands
Many
Flier
Kind
Unused
Always
Frequent
Like
Miles

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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
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I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.
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I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
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By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.
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I believe you can joke about anything.
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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf course.
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The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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