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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Form
Government
Things
Never
Like
Eleven
Worked
American

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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
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I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
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Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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