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You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Government
Things
Never
Like
Eleven
Worked
American
Form

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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
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When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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