Quote

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Around
Whores
Thinking
Crack
Cracks
Buying
Selling
Changing
Maybe
Church

More quotes by George Carlin

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There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
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Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing? It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
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The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
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How is it possible to have a civil war?
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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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