Quote

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Church
Around
Whores
Thinking
Crack
Cracks
Buying
Selling
Changing
Maybe

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Life is a series of dogs.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine ... been here 4 1/2 billion years. We've been here, what, a 100,000 years, maybe 200,000. And we've only been engaged in heavy industry a little over 200 years. 200 years versus 4 1/2 billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? The planet isn't going away. We are.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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