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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Thinking
Crack
Cracks
Buying
Selling
Changing
Maybe
Church
Around
Whores

More quotes by George Carlin

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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
George Carlin
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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
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If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
George Carlin
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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
George Carlin
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
George Carlin
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
George Carlin
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The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
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It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
George Carlin
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On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
George Carlin