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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Selling
Changing
Maybe
Church
Around
Whores
Thinking
Crack
Cracks
Buying
More quotes by George Carlin
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
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We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
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Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing
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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
George Carlin
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
George Carlin
Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
George Carlin
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
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Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
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I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
George Carlin
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
George Carlin
