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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Time
Clergyman
Prostitute
Clergymen
Rate
Asks
Business

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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
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One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
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I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.
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I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.
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Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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We created god in our own image and likeness!
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
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Hooray for most things!
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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Life is tough, then you die.
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