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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Rate
Asks
Business
Next
Time
Clergyman
Prostitute
Clergymen

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If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
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In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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