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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Clergyman
Prostitute
Clergymen
Rate
Asks
Business
Next
Time

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Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
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The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
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As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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