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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
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The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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I don't have hobbies hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.
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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
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For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.
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