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Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
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Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin

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One of the interesting things about outsidership is that underneath it there's a longing to belong. I just wish the thing I refused to belong to - the species, Western capital culture - was a little more respectable. My one true relaxation is my flotation tank, in which I can either meditate or just drift off.
George Carlin
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Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
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How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
George Carlin
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
George Carlin
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Language always gives you away.
George Carlin
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I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
George Carlin
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
George Carlin
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How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
George Carlin
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
George Carlin
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You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
George Carlin
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There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
George Carlin
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
George Carlin
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I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
George Carlin
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
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I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
George Carlin