Quote

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Mouths
Laugh
Missing
Laughing
Shoot
People
Suppose
Mouth
Miss

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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
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Hooray for most things!
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Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards
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Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
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You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
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To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
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Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
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When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows there's just nothing special about their content.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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People always tell me Have a nice day. Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
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