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Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Mouth
Miss
Mouths
Laugh
Missing
Laughing
People
Shoot
Suppose
More quotes by George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
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Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.
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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
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Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
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I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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