Quote

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Mouths
Laugh
Missing
Laughing
People
Shoot
Suppose
Mouth
Miss

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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
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Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
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I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
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On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
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Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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Why do they bother saying raw sewage? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
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I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Your home is your refuge.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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It's difficult enough for a young person to put his soul on the line in front of a lot of drunken people without having that hanging over his head, too.
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