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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Conception
Billions
Begins
Began
Process
Years
Continuous
Life
People
Billion
More quotes by George Carlin
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
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The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Two things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.
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It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
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We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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In Hawaii they say, aloha. That's a nice one, It means both hello and good-bye Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
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