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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Life
Continuous
People
Billion
Conception
Billions
Begins
Began
Process
Years
More quotes by George Carlin
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
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There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things - bad language and whatever - it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
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The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
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People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
George Carlin
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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