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People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
People
Billion
Conception
Billions
Begins
Began
Process
Years
Life
Continuous
More quotes by George Carlin
Surround yourself with what you love.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
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If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!
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In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
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I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
George Carlin
