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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Woman
Battered
Happens
Husbands
Real
Whiskey
Men
Apparently
Husband
Drink
Small
Bigs
Quart
More quotes by George Carlin
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
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All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
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My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.
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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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In the doggie dictionary, under bow wow it says, See arf arf.
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I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.
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