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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Player
Nicest
Looking
Caps
Thing
Park
People
Parks
Wearing
Pictures
Players
Baseball

More quotes by George Carlin

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My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
George Carlin
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
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I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
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Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
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There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the hail fellow well met camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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So far, this is the oldest I've been.
George Carlin
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
George Carlin
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You never see a smiling runner.
George Carlin
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
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Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
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Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
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