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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
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More quotes by George Carlin
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like generally, it's an inconvenience.
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
George Carlin
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
George Carlin
We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
George Carlin
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
George Carlin
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
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I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
George Carlin
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin
On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
George Carlin
I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
George Carlin
My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits. And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
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