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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bake
Infection
Bread
Dancing
Told
Woman
Yeast
More quotes by George Carlin
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Your home is your refuge.
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Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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Life is a zero sum game.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.
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I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
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Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.
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At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
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I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no I in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an I in independence, individuality and integrity.
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I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
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You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
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We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.
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A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
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I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
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