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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Dancing
Told
Woman
Yeast
Bake
Infection
Bread

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Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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Surround yourself with what you love.
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It's harder to be funny from the position of power.
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
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Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
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There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
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Your home is your refuge.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure
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The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.
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They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
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I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.
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The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.
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