Quote

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Yeast
Bake
Infection
Bread
Dancing
Told
Woman

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I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
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When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
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Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
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I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction.
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.
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Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
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There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.
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The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
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What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
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Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
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Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
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