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I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Bake
Infection
Bread
Dancing
Told
Woman
Yeast

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If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
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My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.
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And, of course, the funniest food: kumquats. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
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To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
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Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
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The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
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Language always gives you away.
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