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A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner he killed everyone he came in contact with.

George Carlin

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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Everyone
Twenties
Wells
Contact
Well
Seven
People
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Loner
Came
Catch
Guy
Killed
Times
Twenty

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No comment is a comment.
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The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
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When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.
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There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
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You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.
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Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
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Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
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Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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I went to George Washington High School for six months before my 16th birthday, when I could legally quit. That was an even worse experience than the Catholic schools. I mean, they were still teaching fractions. But mostly, I played hooky.
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Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the Ten Most Wanted criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list?
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You never see a smiling runner.
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You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
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By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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