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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nails
Shed
Tool
Closed
Tools
Away
Nail
Hammer
Hammers
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Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
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You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
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If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
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More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
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When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
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My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
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I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
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hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
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Political discourse has been reduced to Where's the beef? Read my lips, and Make my day. Where are the assassins when we really need them?
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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I'd say pot has been a break-even proposition for me.
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Life is not that complicated.
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We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
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Language always gives you away.
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