Quote

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

George Carlin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Hammers
Nails
Shed
Tool
Closed
Tools
Away
Nail
Hammer

More quotes by George Carlin

Image
Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
George Carlin
Image
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
George Carlin
Image
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
Image
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
George Carlin
Image
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
George Carlin
Image
Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.
George Carlin
Image
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? Would you like some breadsticks? No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.
George Carlin
Image
Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.
George Carlin
Image
If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
Image
Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.
George Carlin
Image
I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.
George Carlin
Image
We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.
George Carlin
Image
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
George Carlin
Image
To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.
George Carlin
Image
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
George Carlin
Image
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
George Carlin
Image
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
George Carlin
Image
You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos
George Carlin
Image
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Image
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
George Carlin