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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Nails
Shed
Tool
Closed
Tools
Away
Nail
Hammer
Hammers
More quotes by George Carlin
Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.
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There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
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The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
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Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it you have a choice.
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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
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What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
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I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
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Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.
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Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.
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Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.
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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
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Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
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I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
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All music is the blues. All of it.
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