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If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
George Carlin
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George Carlin
Age: 71 †
Born: 1937
Born: May 12
Died: 2008
Died: June 22
Actor
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Film Producer
Humorist
Journalist
Manufacturer
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
New York City
New York
George Denis Patrick Carlin
Hammers
Nails
Shed
Tool
Closed
Tools
Away
Nail
Hammer
More quotes by George Carlin
I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
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I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.
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People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.
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Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
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If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
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I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.
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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
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The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
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The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
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By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
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We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
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Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
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I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
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